Monday, January 24, 2011

Why I struggle...

I've contemplated this post for awhile and letting the world (lol or the few readers I have) about what goes on in my head daily, but I've decided that this is a real life stuggle and nothing to be embarrassed about, it's not something I can control or chose to have, I was born this way, born with a brain that works in different ways...

Senior Year as part of our English requirement we had to write a research paper, 20 pages, 10 sources, big stuff for high was followed up with a 15 minute presentation in infront of the class. It ended up being super interesting to hear what every wrote about, it could be anything! I picked palmistry, but that's not what this post is about.

A classmate, Sam, picked his disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, aka ADHD. I remember listening, reading over his check list of 'do you have ADHD' marking yes and sitting there kind of numb, having a few flashbacks over the years of sitting in the corner, being in trouble for talking, struggling with tests, never remembering what I read, having issues with control, not being able to finish a task, perfection, etc, etc, etc.

Freshman year in college the struggle became worse and I reached out to have an evaluation done...about 8 hours of testing...with a confirmed diagnosis of ADHD.

So an answer to questions but now what? where do I go from there? so my brain works differently, what does that mean?

It means life is not as easy for me as it is for most others, that when I want to sit down and read a book or write in my blog or listen to a story I have to takes me a longer time, outside noises are a big distraction and messes have to be cleaned up. Basically anything and everything is a distraction. If I'm not interested in the topic it's even worse.

I was on addreall XR 30 mg twice a day to help me focus, with pretty yuck side affects, as I was coming off the meds I had headaches, it made me jittery and well bathroom wasn't fun but I could focus better and my tests improved, homework was easier to get done and the weight loss side affect wasn't too bad either!

But I was basically on speed, twice a day...not something I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

So now I struggle, I self medicate with caffiene which while nursing is the only thing I can take anyway, I've learned little tricks on how to pay attention and I accept that this is my world and I'm the only one that can make it better.

My ADHD offers many barriers, it causes strain on all my relationships and it makes me worry for my kids.

Lately it seems to be hindering me more than in the past and I cannot pin point why, but I'm re-vamping my blog as an outlet to discuss my struggles as a Mum of two with ADHD and how I battle the world differently! 

I hope you'll stick around to read some more of my rambling mind and how it affects world!

1 comment:

  1. my brother was diagnosed with ADHD in elementary school. My mom said she will never forget the first time he took his medicine. That day he sat down and drew a picture of a tv. with every little detail about it. He had only ever really scribbled before. He told her as he showed her the picture that he had no idea the tv had so many buttons. It broke my moms heart. Anyway he also was put on atterol and although it made school easier for him it made other things really hard. He still has a tick (shaking his head) that the doctors say is from being on it. He chooses to take no medication now and functions on his job but still struggles in a learning environment.
    Kudos to you Lisa for working with your diagnosis.